What is Narcissism?

"What distinguishes healthy self-esteem from narcissism is how realistically one can comprehend his and others' worth, and to what degree he directs attention (both his and others') to himself" - Alfred Bleu

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In the modern world, we often disregard drawing the borderline between healthy self-esteem and narcissism as we are defining values and pursing a sense of worthiness. We've become so used to referring our values to others' "ideal image" and submitting to certain socialized strategies of "marketing yourself as a valuable person" that we rarely evaluate what actually shapes our strengths. Little do we know that, although originated from the same desire of building internal strength, in the long-run, healthy self-esteem and narcissism direct us toward completely different paths - order and chaos. By distinguishing the ways of thinking and the behaviors behind those who are confident and narcissistic, I wish to provide clarity regarding where narcissism and confidence might stem from, and how they manifest in our personality.

Narcissism in a Nutshell

Narcissism is an indulgence in personal strengths/weaknesses that does not coincide with the reality. This also represents one's inability to comprehend self-worthiness. The root of this inability stems from obsessively using one or limited amount of rigid, fixed value system to depend on. When that sense of values conflicts with what reality turns out to be, one responses with two thinking/behavioral patterns:

1. Avoiding/ disqualifying any evidence that indicate flaws in that value system.

2. Clinging on / fabricating evidences that confirm the trustworthiness of that value system.

Consequently, the gap between subjective values and objective values becomes wider. Insecurity and uncertainties lurk beneath one's consciousness. Being unwilling to face necessary re-modeling of the value system, one starts to isolate his vision. He increasingly tries to focus his and others' attention on the specific value system that he believes define him. He becomes manipulative and inflated because he needs to package and arm himself in order to feel powerful and worthy.

Narcissism in Details

Narcissists may have grown used to following others' "codes of value", or been discouraged when they seek to pursue their own core values throughout life. As time goes by, it becomes more difficult to actively seek other possibilities to believe, want, or feel passionate about. Gradually, lacking an own set of core values give birth to insecurity, since the idea of "who I am" and "what I want/need" is largely predicated on others' set of standards. Consequently, narcissist develop the habit of defining themselves with one specific, or a limiting amount of value system (at workplace, in social groups, etc.) that dominate their life. Furthermore, they might also become obsessive with what we regard as "shallow" forms of values, such as monetary and materialistic wealth, approval of others, power, status, and so on. The reasons is that these values seem the most speedy and direct in terms of granting what's socially defined as "worthy." The yearn of pursuing these values become a delusional identity that the narcissists fantasize would rid themselves of all the insecurity and fear. The problem is that these values are highly susceptible to fluctuation and variability. As a result, as narcissists constantly suffocate themselves with this tilted stage, they develop behaviors that further prevail their psychological growth.

Our surroundings is comprised of many value systems simultaneously. Of course, we have to make a choice of certain sets of value system. However, if we fail to evaluate what our choice of value system would actually bring us, it is very likely for us to be stuck in an unrealistic "image" of our ideal-self. Narcissism is a classic example of worshiping an idealistic "image." Instead of seeking to substantiate their inner self, narcissists' vision primarily focus on manipulating the resources around them to achieve how their ideal image should look like. "How can this benefit my image?" and "How does this have to do with my image?" have become their method of evaluating their surroundings. This habit of "making everything about myself" leads to large dependence on the subjective "good" and the "lesser good". Since they've set these pre-assumed spectacles for their perceptions, they've also weakened their ability to acknowledge other information in their surroundings. Gradually, their idea of values start to migrate to the unrealistic poles. As a result, you might notice that narcissists tend to put much efforts into widening the gap between what they consider as "good" and "the lesser good", or in others words, to inflate themselves and to deflate others (or the other way around.) These behaviors are symbolic in terms of securing their positions in the world of unrealistic image. One classic behavior, for example, is obsessively addressing their associations with things (objects, events, and people) that they consider valuable (known as basked in reflected glory.) They might frequently check their appearances, show-off their possessions, check-in with "the popular" on social media, and so on; it might seem like they solely want to draw security from others' attention. In fact, these behaviors actually aim at repeatedly reminding themselves of their worth, because those are everything that they know that identify who they are. Furthermore, to resolve insecurity and amplify self-enhancement, they inflate their achievements, treat life as a series of competition, and look-down on those that they consider inferior. Like a psychoactive drug, this self-hypnotizing behavior becomes increasingly addictive to the narcissists because more "doses" are needed to fill their increasing emptiness within. Defense mechanisms would also emerge in response to anything that challenges or threatens their delusional beliefs about themselves, since their ego has become "too big to fail." This vicious cycle turns the narcissists' psychological state into a hollow structure that easily collapses.

Healthy Self-esteem

Healthy self-esteem, on the other hand, means one can identify his/her worth in an ordered, balanced fashion; it is forging one's identity with knowledge, skills and personalities that enable growth and flexibility. While narcissists attribute an overwhelming loads of attention to how they appeal to the others, those with healthy self-esteem knows when to let go the idea of "me" and appreciate the values in their surroundings with a objective perspective. Instead of focusing on the goal of winning or competing, what motivates people with healthy self-esteem is the gradual approaching of becoming an integrated individual. Let's say someone finds that he is passionate about food. He might choose to fulfill a combination of life-goals such as starting a blog, learning how to cook, reading associated books, taking classes, and doing other activities that expand his mastery on this subject. Through a diverse range of interactions with the subject, he is gradually shaping his mastery with realistic ingredients. Hence, during this self-fulfillment, he would be aware of where his position actually lies, without over or underestimating his potential, and he knows deep down that this belief can be confirmed by the steps he has taken. This provides a solid foundation that brings a sense of strength and security. He feels less controlled or defined primarily by external values, nor do he feels the need to belittle others or self-inflate, because his self, substantiated by the reality, speaks for himself.