The Troubles of Holding the Door Open for Love

Mr. Caputo was supposed to start a tour with his band as the lead singer. However, after learning that his girlfriend is pregnant, he immediately chooses to leave the band and take care of her and the baby. "I'm staying, because I love you." says Mr. Caputo. Despite his girlfriend repeatedly encourages him to stick to the tour; despite he knows that the child she bears actually belongs to Hank, a member of the band, Caputo insists to stay. Perhaps, he wants to show her that he is so much more than that bastard Hank, who would value the tour, the money, the fame more than a family.

Things don't quite work-out for Mr. Caputo. After several years, Hank's band turned out to be a success. Mr. Caputo, however, has worked his ass-off as a prison security, which pays 20,000 per year. One day, his girlfriend expresses that she has decided to leave him for Hank because she think Hank's got "ambition." Caputo rages.

"I gave up everything!"

"I started that band. Those guys wouldn't have even known each other if it wasn't for me."

"You know how depressing my life is? I did this for you!"

"I saved you. You'll still be slutting it up down at Paddy's if it wasn't for me!"

As Caputo's words become more and more toxic, his girlfriend shouts out with tears:

"Take some responsibilities for your choices. Nobody's got you here but you. You can't spend your life holding the door open for people and then being angry when they don't thank you. Nobody asked you to hold the fucking door!"

This is a memorable scene from my favorite television series Orange is the New Black (Season 3 ep.11.) You might think of Caputo's girlfriend as an ungrateful, cold-hearted woman. However, if we objectively examine what she speaks of, there's an important message here. A relationship is obviously not about one, but two people. Since it's not all about you anymore, investing in a relationship definitely has it's opportunity costs and trade-offs. However, when the "script" of a relationship doesn't proceed as what we expect, we often seek to strangle our significant other with the "bill" of sacrifices that we've made. We refuse to face the voluntary nature of our choices, and we demand the other to "pay-back" our investment, just like what Caputo is trying to do. Going through all the "proofs" of our love, we wish to appeal to the other's emotions to secure the relationship in its place. We don't want our investments to end-up to be worthless, because if it does, our values, beliefs, and what we've built crumble and migrate toward chaos.

That's why you must not trade love with your self and your dream. The trouble with relationship/love-oriented individuals is they are often so dependent on their significant other that they pour excessive amount of time and resources into the relationship, sometimes even just to prove that they care. This is equivalent to keeping all the eggs in one basket. Here I am not advocating for polygamy or being a selfish person; I only wish to emphasize the importance of maintaining one's degree of independence in a relationship. What makes a loved one lovable is not how much sacrifices he's made. How one fosters his own growth and development is also a significant ingredient of love. Constantly using self-consuming sacrafices as the primary investment gives rise to the obsession of seeking returns in terms of your subjective "currency", especially when you encounter something off-script. Consequently, the more you try to control it, the more you drive your significant other away, not only because your inflated self is sabotaging freedom and equality within the relationship, but also because no collective growth and well-being can be seen in such manipulative behavior. There are two important points to take away here:

1. Never make sacrifices merely for the sake of proving your love. Even if you do, Bear in mind that all choices you make in a relationship are always voluntary; nobody forces you to make these choices, so don't try to use them as tools to inspire desired outcomes from your significant other.

2. While you are "holding the door open" for your significant other, your must craft other doors that open possibilities for your own growth and development at the same time. This strengthens a relationship must effectively than emotionally blackmailing with your investment/sacrifices.